Lost in Shadows (Lost) Read online

  Soft, amused laughter floated on the night. He lifted his head to the hallway. She stood there like an erotic dream. The cold moonlight illuminated her flawless skin and made the creamy satin glow. “I know a place that is much more comfortable.” She stepped forward, bathing her face and hair in the moonlight. She was a siren, and he was helpless under her power. Carolina held out her hand, an invitation he couldn’t refuse.

  He scrambled to his feet and placed his hand in hers, hot to the touch. She smiled before turning and leading him into the darkened hallway. He didn’t speak, afraid of breaking the spell, willing to follow anywhere she led.

  She moved soundlessly into his bedroom, their fingers tangled. She pulled back the curtains in his room and left the window open. The clock said nearly one in the morning, but Butch’s music lofted across the courtyard to serenade them. She pulled back the covers, climbed onto the bed, and reached for him.

  He wanted to go, wanted to jump on the bed and devour her. But she wasn’t his. Only a selfish bastard would take what she offered.

  “Jebediah. I want you.”

  “I, uh, we shouldn’t. You’re injured and…”

  “I have the IQ of a genius, Jeb. You need to learn to trust what I say.” She leaned forward and distinctly enunciated the words. “I. Want. You.”

  He licked his lips and gave her one last chance. “Are you sure?” When the seductive smile fell from her face, his entire body jolted in protest.

  Her naturally cautious self made an appearance. “I haven’t done this for a long time. I’m not on birth control, and I don’t have any protection.”

  His heart started beating again. “I’ll take care of us.” Climbing onto the bed, he cupped her face, pouring everything into that kiss. She opened for him but trembled beneath his fingertips. He wanted to ignite her passion, her desire not nerves. Guiding her down to the bed,the feel of satin and lace hardened his body. There would be no rushing. He was going to give her a night she wouldn’t forget.

  Lying on his side, he pinned one of her legs with his own. He caressed her lace-covered curves, never relinquished her soft lips. He indulged himself, indulged her, taking time to explore her body. Her hands were trapped between them, and yet her fingers stroked the curves and lines of his chest. He moaned a little, encouraging her when her fingers teased his sensitive nipples.

  Need became tangible, potent. He rolled on top and slid down her body, his mouth finding her breasts through the soft lace and silky satin. He took his time memorizing every part of her. He moved lower to the flat of her stomach, lapping at her belly button. Still lower, he pulled the matching panties down to find her golden curls. He nuzzled, he nipped, he licked.

  “Jeb!” She gasped in shock. She clawed at his shoulders, her nails sharing the depth of her need.

  “Let me give you this.” He caught her hands and pinned them next to her hips. Her heat, her scent, called to him, echoing her words. She wanted him. He used his elbows to push her legs apart and settled his body between them. He whispered a litany of curses, of thanks, before he bent his head and feasted.

  She came off the bed. “Jebediah!”

  He grinned, loving the desperate sound of his full name on the lips of this woman. He used his tongue on her inflamed sex, wanting to know just how hot he could make her.

  “I can’t take it.” She twisted beneath him, heat pulsing from her.

  “Just relax, Carolina. Relax for me and just feel.”

  The moment she did as he asked, the moment she relaxed, she convulsed and the sound from her mouth was pure ecstasy. He trembled with need for this woman. In all his past experiences, sex was about physical pleasure. Tonight, he operated on a different level—body, mind, and soul.

  He fought off the sleep pants and then took a condom from the bed stand for her protection. In the shadowy light, his hand shook as he fought with the little envelope. That never happened before.

  Carolina lay before him like an offering. The creamy lingerie glowed iridescently. Her tousled hair fanned out in all directions. Her lips were swollen from his kisses, her gaze sexy and inviting. She rubbed a foot up and down his leg, boldly crossed to the inside of his thigh, and covered his long, hard length with her arch. He pressed into her, rolling his hips, until he removed the condom and sheathed himself.

  She felt small beneath him, delicate. Slowly, with care, he pushed into her tight body, driving to join them as their voices rang out into the night. He brought his mouth to hers, capturing her pleasure as it poured from her lips. Long, slow strokes fanned their passion, slowing time so this moment would last forever. He nuzzled her neck, her shoulders, savoring the taste of her. She demanded a pace of her own, building the urgency, stoking a fire that threatened to consume him. Nails dug into his back, encouraging him to go faster, deeper. The rhythm grew until he reached a frenzied apex. Out of control, out of his mind, he emptied into her, struggling for breath as his muscles seized. He held up his heavy chest on locked arms, as the massive spasms shattered his body. The moment lasted forever but then was gone in an instant. He collapsed into a boneless heap.

  He panted heavily, stars blinding him. He knew sex, and this wasn’t sex. This was something so much more. She moved beneath him, and he realized he must be crushing her. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I know I’m heavy. I’ll move as soon as I can.”

  She wrapped her arms around his head and simply kept him where he lay. “So this was what everyone raved about. I’ve had sex before but compared to what we just did, the best word I can think of to describe past lovers is efficient. The room hadn’t spun. My body hadn’t vibrated. Sex had been a quick pop of stress relief. Not the atomic detonation I just lived through.”

  He laughed softly at her musing of their first sexual congress. Her critical consideration and the mention of past partners should have bothered him, but he’d just had the best and longest orgasm of his life. Kissing her willing lips, he separated their bodies and disposed of the condom. He returned to her side, only the negligee between them as he ran the tips of his fingers over her lush breasts. “This wasn’t sex. I’ve had sex and sex was a pony ride in an arena. What we just did was racing bareback.” He pressed his lips to her shoulder. “I love how open you are, talking about sex. It’s important, because we are going to have a lot of it.”

  Her head snapped toward his, her gaze shocked but hopeful.

  “You don’t walk away from what we have.” He pulled the thin cloth from her breasts.

  She chuckled. “You can’t want me again. Men don’t recover that quickly. Women can have orgasm after orgasm, but men have to build back up.” Her breath hitched as his teeth captured her nipple.

  “Read that in a book, did you?” He switched to her other breast. “Or is that your personal experience?”

  “B-book.” Her fingers curled around the back of his neck, holding him to her generous breasts. “It’s…science.”

  He blew across her nipple, watching the little nub tighten. “Hmm. Let’s conduct an experiment.” He slid down her body. “How many times can I make Carolina come in one night?”

  Jeb walked the street he had walked a hundred times. It could have been anywhere in the world, but it was here. The urban street, once the centerpiece of a prosperous middle-class neighborhood, was a battered shell of its former self. Buildings with walls like Swiss cheese leaned lazily against the horizon. Blank walls were the canvas for graffiti he couldn’t read but said the same thing in every language. It had survived the apocalypse, if you called the emaciated remains surviving.

  “How the fuck did I survive an apocalypse?” He walked up the street, his weapon in his hand as familiar as the uniform on his body. Did he know this place?

  A song filled the air. A song of love and warmth and acceptance. It wound around him, and he was in the middle of his father’s cornfield. Gone, too, was the familiar uniform. He pulled out the tails of the shirt he wore for inspection. Silk. The pale color was too pure to be white.

  Come a
way with me in the night.

  The wind blew, and the song grew. He knew the song. Her song. He had no choice but to wade through cornstalks ten feet tall, following it to the source. As the song grew louder, he began to run, excitement pulsing through his body. He swept his arms wide, pushing the corn aside, until he stepped into the clearing. There she stood in the creamy lace that hugged her body, her hair draped around her. He fell to his knees before the vision. The angel looked down on him and smiled.

  Chapter Nine

  Carolina crawled to her knees, wrapped her arms around Jeb’s neck and pulled him into a tight hug.

  “I love you. You can’t leave me.” His voice cracked with desperation. “You have to stay. Stay and love me…just a little.”

  Her heart broke and, for the first time, love spilled out of the fissure. She pulled off the lace camisole and rubbed against him. Skin to skin. “Feel me, Jeb. I’m with you. And I am falling in love with you. Do you hear me, Jeb? I’m falling in love with you.”

  She knew the moment he woke. His body became rigid, his hands stopped moving. His breathing became too fast, too shallow. He shoved her from him but she refused to be pushed away. “I’m with you, Jeb.”

  He trembled as he whispered the confession. “I’m afraid you won’t be real.”

  “Look at me.” She sat up. His gaze focused on her face, then drifted to her breasts. She took his hand and filled his large palm. “Do I feel real?”

  “You must be real. I don’t have that good of an imagination.” He pulled her across his chest, pinning her there.

  She didn’t fight but quietly listened to his heart race while she traced the scars marking his chest. “I’m here.”

  After a long moment, he spoke, his voice heavy and cracking with regret. “Things happened to me. Some…some of them didn’t happen so much to me but to people I was responsible for. I see them. Every single one of them. They haunt my thoughts.”

  She began drawing slow, lazy circles. “Tell me…about the scars. They didn’t come from your military service. Did they?”

  He set her aside and sat up, feet on the floor, his head in his hands. “After one of my men died, I started having nightmares… The kid was a smart-ass. He was a few years younger than me but acted like a teenager, grinning all the time, fast comebacks. How he fit into a military unit I can’t explain, but he did. He was a good man.”

  “What was his name?” She knelt behind him, pressing her front tightly against his back.

  “Campbell. Adam Campbell.”

  Her encyclopedic brain digested the name. “You said his name. On Saturday, in my office.”

  His head hung lower. “A few weeks after he…a few weeks after, there was a fight. One of the guys went berserk. I got in the middle, and the guy came after me. We fought. Old-fashioned fists on flesh. It didn’t take long before he was hauled away. That night, I slept the best I had in weeks.”

  When he paused, she changed to rubbing his neck and shoulders, working down his spine. She had read several books on massage years ago and was glad to have the information to draw from. “Say his name. Words have power and names especially. It honors the man you liked and respected when you say his name.”

  “Campbell. It was the best I slept since Campbell died. After that, I started looking for fights. Never on base, I wasn’t that far gone, but I found my way to an underground fight circuit. It worked. The harder I trained and the harder I fought, the better I was.”

  “But the scars aren’t from fists.”

  “No.”

  She heard shame in his voice and hated it. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her mouth close to his ear. “You can trust me, Jeb. You can be yourself with me.”

  “The fights escalated to knives, weapons.” He leaned his head back onto her shoulder. “I won more than I lost. In those moments, when I was fighting, I could push away the guilt, almost forget. That’s something, right?” He sighed heavily, lifted his head off her shoulder and dropped it back to his chest. “You see how I think? How messed up that is? I’m damaged, Carolina. Plain and simple.”

  She held him tighter. “So am I. I was always a shy girl, but I was okay with it. I made a place in the world and lived well. Until I moved home. Caring for my mother, it took a piece of me. I’m ashamed to admit it, and I’d do it all over again but…I wasn’t the same person after she died. On top of it was Derrick. No one believed me. I felt abandoned. I stopped finding a reason to leave the house.” She had never admitted to herself, let alone anyone else, that she questioned her own sanity. “The more I didn’t leave…the more I couldn’t. I’m damaged, too.”

  “No, Carolina.” He turned until he faced her and stroked her long hair. “You are not. You were a victim, and you deserve time to heal.”

  “So do you.” She captured his hand and planted a kiss in his palm. She knew his pain and wanted something better for him. “Don’t you see? You have the right to heal as well.”

  He closed his eyes and lowered his head. He would champion her, but not his own cause. The dark shadows under his eyes and deep lines around his mouth testified to the length and intensity of the strain. “I’m different.”

  “Maybe you are. Maybe I am. But…maybe we’re not. I think…when you keep everything inside…it feels like no one understands, like no one could understand. Maybe there are thousands of people out there, exactly like you and me, keeping it all locked in their heads, thinking they’re alone. Whether we’re different or the same, alone or together, doesn’t change the fact that we deserve time to heal.” She traced the line around his mouth softly, tenderly.

  He leaned into her touch, his voice a whisper. “What if there is no healing for me?”

  Her heart crumbled. He had lost the armor he’d worn the last few days, strong, authoritative, and dominant. She didn’t recognize this man, but she understood him.

  She flicked his ear.

  When his startled gaze snapped up, she lifted her chin, looked down her nose at him, and spoke sharply. “I told you I can’t stomach double standards. Either we both are damaged and unsalvageable, or we both were victims and deserve time to heal. Which is it?”

  He started to stand, but she didn’t release him. Instead, he buried his face in his hands. “You don’t understand.”

  “I do. Maybe not your exact experience, but in the bigger sense, I absolutely understand. I told you once that you never have to hide with me, and I meant it.” She took a deep breath. “I care about you, Jeb. All of you. The strong part, the sweet part, and the damaged part.” She opened herself up, letting him see that she meant every word. She saw him—everything he was—and accepted him. For her, the hard part was not accepting but being accepted. She swallowed hard and dropped her voice to a whisper to ask the forbidden question. “Do you think you could ever care about someone like me?”

  His brows pressed together in confusion and then lit brightly. He pulled her into his lap. “I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. It’s like I’ve known you for years. I try not to love you. It’s not right. You’re Nate’s sister. You’ve been under a physical and emotional strain. You’re a client. We’ve known each other for less than a week, but I can’t imagine a day without seeing your face. You make me hot and wild. Possessive. Jealous. Proud. Protective. Happy. I feel happy when I’m with you. My mind isn’t racing a hundred miles an hour. With you, I remember who I am.”

  She looked at the strong man who took care to be gentle with her, at the quiet man who needed to remember how to laugh, at the vibrant man who made her feel alive. Treasured. Loved. How could she not love him back?

  He slid her gently to the bed before standing quickly and stepping away, but not before she saw the humiliation in his eyes. “Don’t look at me that way,” he said sharply.

  The rebuke didn’t faze her. She knew what she had in him. “What way?”

  His hands waved in the air. “Like I’m some sort of hero.”

  “You are my hero. At least,” she dari
ngly teased, “in the bedroom.”

  He slapped his thighs and stalked around the bedroom naked, his voice bouncing off the walls. “You don’t see me. I’m just a man. A selfish, stubborn, bossy man.”

  “You forgot arrogant. And loud. You can be loud.” She knelt, determined not to shrink back when he needed her.

  “Carolina!” Hands flew through the air again. “I could have hurt you just now. I nearly made love to you without using protection. What kind of man does that? A selfish—”

  “You didn’t and we would have been okay. The timing isn’t right, but we need to be careful. I expect you’re a competitive man, too, and I’m not interested in a race to keep up with Butch and Katie.”

  He froze mid-rant. “She told you?”

  “No. I figured it out.”

  He cocked his head and came back to the bed. “How?”

  She brushed her fingers through his hair, caressed his ears. “Either Katie is pregnant or your brother has a fetish for talking to her belly that y’all think is normal.”

  He smiled suddenly, lighting his face and taking back the years anxiety had added. “He does that all the time. Butch is really excited about the baby. They were supposed to get married in the spring, when the house is done, but plans changed. Butch found time in his tour to get fitted for a new suit, invite family and friends, and get back here for his ‘I do’s.’ I knew Butch wanted children but didn’t expect it so soon. I still can’t imagine him being somebody’s father.”

  “I know Nate will have children but never thought about it for myself.” She looked away.

  “That bothers you.” He made it a statement, not a question.

  She pasted a smile on her face, a small defense. “I’m getting to the age where all my college friends are married and having kids. I’m still very single with no prospects—”

  “Were very single. Now you’re very involved. With me.” He brought his mouth down on hers, and instantly the heat blossomed. He laid her back down onto the bed and covered her face, her neck, with tiny kisses, then he pulled back. “Is this what you want? I’ll stop if you say the word. Nate can find another place for you to stay until your home is rebuilt. I’ll still go after the bastards and then this—”